Missing Link

Fatherlessness is a subject that creates passionate arguments on either side of the aisle. Fathers argue that they are often vilified or relegated to a mere footnote in the family. The reasoning behind their growing resentment is clear: a growing number of women feel that they can adequately manage the role of mother and father to a child. With their biological clocks ticking and frustrations in searching for the ever-elusive Mr. Right, many women have also opted to have children without a father. Perhaps their experiences with their own fathers or other men in their lives shade their views, diminishing the necessity of a man’s role in the lives of his children.

Just recognizing the correlation between our relationship (or lack thereof) with our fathers and our approach to men as adult women has put some women on the road to improving their situations now. Working with a therapist or life coach has been the answer for others. But some women, like Portland, Ore. writer, Kathy Holmes, author of Myths of the Fatherless, the solution had to come right from the source of their pain. Their fathers.

Kathy Holmes turned her life around when she realized it wasn’t working any more. Her self-reflections eventually led to her search for the father she had never met. Once she met him, she was motivated to raise an awareness of fatherless daughters through her writing. Kathy is on a mission to write women’s fiction in a way that inspires women of all ages to follow their dreams.

SM: What prompted you to write Myths of the Fatherless?

KH: After I met my father for the first time in 2002, I ran the gamut of emotions. But the overriding emotion was the realization of how important a biological father is to a woman. I wanted to share everything I was going through with others. I needed to raise an awareness of how important this issue is because too often, society downplays the father’s role. I first tried writing it through fiction, but I realized I needed to be more direct. In addition to having this topic as the underlying issue in my fiction, I wrote this book, telling my story and dispelling the myths I discovered along the way.

SM: What “Myths of the Fatherless” did you intend to dispel with this book?

KH: The number one myth in my book is that “Any man will do.” While there can be loving and supportive father figures out there, any man won’t do. A child needs their very own father. Too often, mothers think they can substitute another man for their child’s father, but if you teach a child to accept second-best in the father department, you teach them to accept second-best in all of life.

SM: Tell us about your history with your father. What was your relationship with him like when you were young?

KH: I met my father for the first time in my 40s. My mother sent my father a “Dear John” letter when he was in the Korean War because she found somebody else. When my father returned from the war, she used her influence to keep him away. I thought my
step-dad was my dad. And when a cousin broke it to me when I was about eight, I was shocked. Nobody ever asked how I felt about that. To keep family peace, I repressed the desire to know my own father until the desire burst out of me.

SM: How did not having your father in your life impact you early on? Or, did you even realize the impact when you were younger?

KH: I didn’t realize the impact until I met my father and began researching the whole fatherless issue. A very important find was reading about the “Fatherless Daughter Syndrome,” which I included in my book. Learning about that actually released me from self-blame about a lot of things.

SM: I did have a relationship with my dad up until he died of lung cancer when I was just 15. But there were lots of bad memories surrounding his treatment of my mom that I had to deal with before and after his death. It wasn’t until after I turned 30 that I really began to admit to myself that my sort of love/hate relationship with him was having a negative impact on my own marriage. Did your father’s absence impact your relationships with men as an adult?

KH: Absolutely. Like I mentioned before, if you’re taught to accept that any man will do as your father, then you begin to accept second-best in all of life—including your relationships. Part of the starting over that I write about was analyzing why things had gone wrong in my life and to figure out how to fix them. Dealing with not knowing my father was an issue I needed to resolve. Thankfully, during my soul-searching I found my soul mate and he was there to support me throughout all of this.

SM: Tell us about your search for your dad and the results of your reunion.

KH: That’s a long story probably better told in my book, but the short story is that it took a lot of time, love, support from others, and prayer from the moment I began my search, found my father, met him, and then developed a loving relationship with him so that he actually became “dad” and not just my biological father. Without any coaching or help of some kind, it can go all wrong in the beginning and people are disappointed that their reunion didn’t work out as they had hoped.

SM: How have other women responded to your book?

KH: I’ve heard from a lot of women who felt the same way I did—especially about the “Fatherless Daughter Syndrome” and how reading about that in my book helped release them from the same feelings of guilt. They began to understand why they had made some of the choices they had.

SM: How do you hope to help other women who may be struggling with unresolved issues surrounding fatherlessness?

KH: Life coach and author Iyanla Vanzant says to, “Tell your story and heal yourself. Tell your story and heal somebody else.” But before we can start telling our stories, we have to admit we have a story. Our society often denies that this is an issue at all. They say the kids will be fine—they have so-and-so as their father. Well, they’re not fine on the inside even if they seem fine on the outside. I hope to bust that myth because recognizing the reality of the issue is the first step to healing and to maybe preventing some unnecessary father losses in the first place.

SM: What advice do you have for women, or men, who may be struggling with these same issues?

KH: I would start looking for information on this topic and reading stories of other people going through this same thing. When I first started looking for information, there wasn’t a lot of it out there. The closest I could find were adoptees searching for their birth parents so I started there. I wrote my book because it’s what I would have wanted to read when I was first starting my search.

A healthy relationship with their biological father is the right of every little girl and every adult woman. There are certainly times when this is just not possible. I am most grateful for the hard work and sacrifices of my single mother. Single mothers — just like mine — struggle to give their children everything that they can –- emotionally, physically, financially. However, both mothers and fathers do well to remember how critical a healthy father-daughter or father-son relationship to the emotional health of their children now, and in their future as adults. Sometimes staying together as a couple just isn’t a viable solution. But, like every fatherless (or motherless) daughter, I’d remind both mothers and fathers that loving your children and remaining a part of their lives –- no matter how old they are — is the only viable solution.

Samara Leigh is a Northeast Ohio-based writer, entrepreneur and 30-Something Rebel. She is the owner of a copywriting and virtual support services firm focused on supporting the needs of creative professionals. She also teaches entrepreneurs and independent creative professionals to incorporate low-cost and no-cost technologies into their small businesses.